at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
