someone get that fucking seahorse.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
