i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
