I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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