I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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