Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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