have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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