i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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