bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
