How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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