I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
