On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
