Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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