i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
