Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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