Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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