I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
