1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Randomize
