Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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