I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
