Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
