Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
