Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
