She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
