FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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