oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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