dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
