I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
