Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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