sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
