Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
