I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
