we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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