I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
