I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
