New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
