Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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