You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
