Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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