I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
