the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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