jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
