sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
