I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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