i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
