I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
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"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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