he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
