we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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