just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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