I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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