I looked at my own cervix.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
