So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
