Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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