Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
