Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize