Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
