There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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