if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
