You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
