Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
